🌱 Volume II

THE ROOTS OF COSMIC WISDOM

A Practically Impractical Guide to Gardening with Potatoes, False Prophets, and the Delicate Art of Not Being Taken for a Root

I. THE POTATO PARADOX

Potatoes are the diplomats of the vegetable world — humble, unassuming, and perfectly capable of overthrowing entire diets without firing a single chip.

They are the quiet revolutionaries of the soil, conducting their business entirely underground, away from Instagram reels and motivational hashtags.

A true potato does not announce its growth in a live-stream.
It does not post “potato mindset” infographics.
It does not need a following.
It simply grows — quietly, efficiently, while everyone else is shouting about kale.

Real fact: Potatoes (Solanum tuberosum) grow from seed tubers underground, away from sunlight, producing energy-rich carbohydrates. They can yield astonishing amounts of food from modest space — a genuine, tangible skill that cannot be faked with mood lighting and a motivational speech.

Gardening tip: Potatoes thrive in loose, well-drained soil, and need earthing-up (mounding soil over shoots) to prevent greening and protect tubers. This is actual labour — not metaphorical labour — and requires more than a branded tote bag.

II. THE CULT OF THE STONE TURNER

There exists a curious subspecies of homo influenceris who speaks of “freedom through self-sufficiency” yet produces no edible crop whatsoever.

They post from rustic-looking locations, perhaps next to a carefully placed basket of bought produce, while being online around the clock.

When asked about actual planting, they reply:

“I work with the stones. Potatoes are a mindset.”

Potatoes, if consulted, would laugh (internally — they are discreet).
A mindset does not feed you through winter.
A livestream cannot be boiled, mashed, or roasted.
The only ones who benefit are charlatans turning the despondent gardener’s insecurities into income, the fraudsters who charge admission for the illusion of sustenance.

III. THE UNDERGROUND REPUBLIC

Potatoes form a networked society beneath the soil. They do not engage in empty speeches, glittering ceremonies, or curated circles of approval. They engage in resource allocation, moisture management, and quiet expansion — the work that actually produces sustenance, not just the illusion of it.
Unlike the so-called “mastermind tribes” aboveground, potatoes do not trade in social theatre. They do not glitter, they do not perform rituals of belonging, and they do not ask for loyalty in return for nothing tangible. Their political system is based on measurable output, not on endlessly promising, “the harvest is coming” while members passively nod along in the hope of enlightenment.
Where human tribes may punish curiosity to preserve conformity, potatoes reward persistence and independent action. Where a polished circle of peers may glorify unity while stifling judgment, potatoes thrive on subtle diversity of effort — every tuber following its own path underground, every shoot a testament to practical, observable progress.
In the underground republic, no slogans replace seasons, no emotional loyalty replaces watering, and no curated aesthetic replaces the honest labour of hands in soil. The potato knows: real growth is not mediated by charisma, consensus, or a shiny Instagram feed. It is personal, methodical, and entirely yours to cultivate. Anything else is a mirage — beautiful to behold, but ultimately empty.

To commune with them:

Plant them. (This is non-negotiable.)
Water them.
Keep quiet about it.
Wait.
Harvest something real.

Potatoes will teach you that true groundedness is not declared — it is demonstrated.

IV. THE ROOT VS. THE BRAND

In an era where even vegetables are marketed, the potato remains stubbornly unmarketable without transformation. It must be cooked, peeled, chipped, mashed.
The influencer may wrap themselves in “authentic rural” branding, but without the harvest, it is all garnish and no meal.

Real potatoes never sell you a membership to their “tuber tribe”.
They simply multiply underground until they have something worth showing you.
Then, and only then, they appear — and even then, they don’t charge entry.

V. THE SPROUT OF TRUTH

Potatoes have a simple truth: if it doesn’t grow, it doesn’t count.
No amount of stone-turning, basket-arranging, or moonlit self-filming will substitute for a crop in the larder.
The potato is immune to posturing.
It recognises only hands in the soil, seasons observed, and quiet persistence.

Final Practical Wisdom:
Before following anyone’s advice on “freedom through growing your own food,” check if they can produce — literally — a single potato.
If not, you might just be watching theatre in a field where nothing grows.
Beware those self‑proclaimed gardeners who parade as self‑made visionaries whilst quietly leaning on inherited wealth, well‑timed marriages, or a comfortably padded trust fund. They cloak privilege in tales of grit and breakthrough, marketing themselves as if they’ve single‑handedly tilled the soil of life.
True sustenance — like real potatoes — sprouts from honest toil, patient attention, and seasons observed, not from curated reels, polished narratives, or invisible safety nets. If there is no harvest in the larder, only a performance of success, you are partaking in theatre, not nourishment. Real growth, like a proper potato crop, cannot be faked with charm, aesthetics, or a gilded story.